healing after loss…
I’m sure you’re all familiar with the five stages of grief.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
In my experience with loss, those stages run on a loop. Sometimes out of order. The trick to making them come slower and less often, is time. It takes time to truly start to heal. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix.
About five days after my miscarriage, Skylar was finally home from deployment, and he and I were sitting on our bed and talking through things. I was exhausted from the previous days of hardly any sleep and lots of pain management. We had planned a trip to Italy a few months prior. The timing was awful. We were supposed to leave in a couple days and with how I felt, I didn’t know how I was going to do it.
My emotions were out of control and I still could barely be anywhere without a bathroom nearby. Plus, I was harboring a lot of anger. Anger at myself for not being more vocal about the medical care, or lack there of, that I received. Anger that I had to do it on my own. Anger at my Heavenly Father, for forgetting me. I felt so insanely guilty about the last one. In time, that anger towards God turned into love and understanding. But just know, if you’ve felt those feelings after a loss, they are completely normal. Just don’t let them consume you.
The night before our trip, Skylar came home from work with a bandaged hand. He had smashed his hand at work. It wasn’t broken, but so painful and swollen. We went to bed thinking that we probably wouldn’t/shouldn’t go, but that next morning after a prayer for direction, we knew we needed to go. It felt crazy to, but we couldn’t argue with the feeling in our gut that said, “GO. It’s important that you do.”
We packed in a frenzy and drove like maniacs to the airport. We ran through the airport like that scene from Home Alone. We just made it. Sweaty and out of breath, we boarded the plane and flew to Italy.
That week we traveled to Pisa, Rome, Florence, Portovenere, and every little village in-between. We saw some of the most beautiful places, had the most delicious food, and experienced the most amazing things.
But I was still grieving, and still having side effects from the miscarriage. At one point, as we walked around Rome, I started to feel light headed. Skylar saw my face and told me I was white as a sheet. When he recalls it now, he says that he doesn’t know how getting me an iron supplement came to his mind, but it struck like lightning at the time. We went into the nearest pharmacy, communicated in broken Italian what we needed, and I took the supplement. I think it seriously saved me. I felt rejuvenated after a while, and was able to finish out the day.
Besides the little bumps, that trip saved us. It was a beautiful distraction, but I still was able to go through my grief process.
The thing about grief and loss, is that it’s important that you go through that healing process. Ignoring it, pushing it off, or trying to rush through it will never work. You have to feel it all. Walk all the way through that super dark tunnel, to get to that glimmer at the end. Talk about it with someone you trust and love. You don’t have to take a trip to Italy, but do something to remove yourself from your reality for a bit. Even if it’s as simple as walking outside. Don’t hole yourself up, but also be gentle with yourself.
If you didn’t know, HI, I’m Audra and I’m a Harry Potter freak. Like hardcore. One of my favorite lines, came from Dumbledore, and it says “It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.”
It doesn’t mean, don’t have dreams. It means, don’t let the stress and pressure of making those dreams a reality, stop you from living in the moment. If you’ve experienced infertility, it’s easy to get caught up in what you want your future to be, and forget to enjoy the life you’re living now. Don’t let grief dwell for too long. Find joy in the moment, and in the little things.
Cheers!
Audra JaNae