A love story…

Now, to start off, I don’t know if I’m someone who believes in love at first sight. But, I will say that the first time I met Skylar I shook his hand, introduced myself, walked around the corner and said quietly (or so I thought), “He’s HOOOOT!” to my roommate. It wasn’t until later that Skylar told me that he’d heard my declaration. Embarrassing? Yes. A funny story to tell our kids? Also, yes.

That was just the beginning. We had both graduated from high school just months beforehand, and we were trying to navigate this new independence that is college life. We were also both dating other people.

One of my very first roommates, Afton, is Skylar’s cousin. She introduced us. As corny as it sounds, it really was like lightning instant connection. Neither he or I could really understand why we instantly wanted to spend every second together. We both ended our other relationships just a few weeks after we met. Then it was just us. We were inseperable and the “I love you” declarations came quick and easy. After about a month of dating, Skylar said he wanted to marry me.

Now, dear reader, I can assume that right now you’re thinking, “ummmm….you’re CRAZY. You were sooo young, you’d known each other for two minutes, and you wanted to get married?!”

I hear you. It absolutely was bat-crap crazy. I think though, when you meet someone that makes the thought of ever being with anyone else absolutely repulsive, you have to follow your gut.

Skylar is what you would call an ‘old soul’. When I met him, he was a far cry from the other silly, just out of high school boys. He was responsible. He loved and respected his parents and said so. He was respectful to me, and wanted to take care of me. He encouraged me. He loved and respected my family and friends. He genuinely cared for other people. He loved his siblings and always wanted to make sure they were ok. There was no question or doubt in my mind that I would be happy with him for the rest of my life and more.

I know, I know. Enough of the mush. But really though, Skylar is a dang catch and I’ll shout that from the rooftops.

We were married on February 15th, 2008. There were absolutely no nerves the day we got married. There was only the feeling of relief, because we were finally sealed for time and all eternity.

Yep, we’ve been married for 12 years! More often than not, when I tell people that they say, “Whaaat?! No way! How old are you?!”.

These twelve years have been adventure after adventure. We’ve been through changes in career, unemployment, international moves with the Air Force, amazing travel opportunities, deployments, miscarriage, infertility, heartache…

Some of the lowest points in our marriage have been during deployments, and dealing with infertility. Those two things have especially tested us.

During Skylar’s year in Korea, I had a realization. Both with infertility, and the many times we’ve been separated due to deployment, there have come feelings of anger, fear, anxiety. Those feelings foster contention.

I realized though, we are mostly worried about the other person. Every time Skylar leaves for another deployment, I worry what it will do to his mental state. He had a deployment once that just about broke him. I worry that the stress and financial strain of fertility treatments will overwhelm him and make him lose faith.

He worries about me being on my own when he’s deployed and worries for my safety. He worries that I’ll be lonely and feel cut off. He worries that if I do one more fertility treatment that ends in failure, it will cause me to spiral. He worries that I’m unhappy.

Everyone has things in their marriage that can cause those feelings. No one has a perfect marriage. If anyone says that they do, they. are. LYING.

For us, during those low points, we are faced with a choice. We can let the feelings of fear, anger, frustration, etc. lead us to a fight, or to a discussion. We don’t hold back, but we tell each other exactly what we’re feeling and what we need. More often than not, those are the conversations that are the most healing. It can be hard and daunting to hear the one you love most tell you how they’re hurting and what they’re struggling with.

Marriage is about becoming a team. As long as we choose to fight for each other and not against each other, there isn’t a challenge that we can’t overcome. We don’t have to both be strong at the same time, but take turns holding each other up.

I’m no marriage expert. Far from it. I’m always learning and adapting. I do know that it’s important to never compare one relationship with another. Everyone faces their own set of trials and they’re unique to each marriage. Don’t look at all the perfect happy couples on social media and think that they don’t have their own battles they’re fighting.

“We have a good marriage. Just because our marriage is good, that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. When our marriage is hard, that doesn’t mean it’s not still good.”

-Michelle Peterson

Cheers!

Audra JaNae